Body Massage
If you have to Vomit...
Wait till your in a group of friends and one of the lesser friends tells a bad joke or a pun. You then stare at them. Hold up your index finger like you're about to say something. Put your finger in your throat, invoke gagging, and throw-up on the person who told the bad joke. After throwing up, apologize profusely. You have to say something like 'O my goodness, that joke was so funny, that was so funny it filled my belly with laughter. There was no more room for food and stomach acid and junk. I had to throw-up or i probably would have exploded. Your well crafted wit would have been weapons of murder'. The prince(cess) of jokes will tell everyone he or she is so funny they made someone throw-up. You can tell your other friends you made Allah proud.
If you have to Bleed...
Do it in a resturant at the dinner table. Someone will eventually fold their napkin like oragami and show everyone what a kick ass swan they think they made. They might even tell a story about swans or segway into what they thought about some 60 minutes special on the wetlands. After they wasted your time say, ' Everyone put your attention on me now, I have a napkin trick'. Take your steak knife and cut in a swift movement between 2 and 3 inches above the wrist. (not deep enough for stitches, but enough to tap into that scarlet gold). Reach your face to your laceration and apply blood till your lips are saturated. Kiss the napkin firmly to get a good lip print. Stand up, toss your napkin at the orginal napkin sculptor, bow your head, and excuse yourself to the restroom.
If you have to Sneeze...
Make intense eye contact till someone blesses you. If someone else sneezes make eye contact with them. Tell them never to do that in public again. Look down shake your head, say something like 'thats disgusting'. If the sneezer is a friend also say that you need time to work this out and that you'll call them when your ready. If the sneezer is a stranger then, say your sorry, that you and your best friend are going through a platonic divorce, and give them hug. Start tearing or at least start breathing like a tearer. Under no circumstnace can you let go of the hug, let the soulless sneezer figure out what to do.
If you have to go #1ing...
Don't make number ones. Making pee is obselete. Just do dialysis. Its only once or twice a day and you don't have to go through the akwardness of being at the airport and seeing a grown man applying talc completely naked in front of a urinal.
Wait till your in a group of friends and one of the lesser friends tells a bad joke or a pun. You then stare at them. Hold up your index finger like you're about to say something. Put your finger in your throat, invoke gagging, and throw-up on the person who told the bad joke. After throwing up, apologize profusely. You have to say something like 'O my goodness, that joke was so funny, that was so funny it filled my belly with laughter. There was no more room for food and stomach acid and junk. I had to throw-up or i probably would have exploded. Your well crafted wit would have been weapons of murder'. The prince(cess) of jokes will tell everyone he or she is so funny they made someone throw-up. You can tell your other friends you made Allah proud.
If you have to Bleed...
Do it in a resturant at the dinner table. Someone will eventually fold their napkin like oragami and show everyone what a kick ass swan they think they made. They might even tell a story about swans or segway into what they thought about some 60 minutes special on the wetlands. After they wasted your time say, ' Everyone put your attention on me now, I have a napkin trick'. Take your steak knife and cut in a swift movement between 2 and 3 inches above the wrist. (not deep enough for stitches, but enough to tap into that scarlet gold). Reach your face to your laceration and apply blood till your lips are saturated. Kiss the napkin firmly to get a good lip print. Stand up, toss your napkin at the orginal napkin sculptor, bow your head, and excuse yourself to the restroom.
If you have to Sneeze...
Make intense eye contact till someone blesses you. If someone else sneezes make eye contact with them. Tell them never to do that in public again. Look down shake your head, say something like 'thats disgusting'. If the sneezer is a friend also say that you need time to work this out and that you'll call them when your ready. If the sneezer is a stranger then, say your sorry, that you and your best friend are going through a platonic divorce, and give them hug. Start tearing or at least start breathing like a tearer. Under no circumstnace can you let go of the hug, let the soulless sneezer figure out what to do.
If you have to go #1ing...
Don't make number ones. Making pee is obselete. Just do dialysis. Its only once or twice a day and you don't have to go through the akwardness of being at the airport and seeing a grown man applying talc completely naked in front of a urinal.
posted by the bureau at
11:36 AM
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