Ladies and Gentlemen, Happy Halloween Eve

Dear people who look like fish,

If your facial structure lends to the theory that one of your parents has gills and often gets into predicaments involving hooks and worms... then you look like a fish. Don't hide the fact that you look like a fish. You can't cover it up with pounds of make up or stupid looking shaggy hair adorned with a baseball cap. You simply look like your ancestors were not primates, but something like a fresh-water trout or a north alaskan salmon. Plus you start acting like a sea creature anyway. Many fish-looking people keep their bottom lip straight, but curve their top lip like a semi circle. This is conducive for catching plankton and brill; probably an obsolete evolutionary feature like the appendix in normal humans. Lastly, if you forget to buy a halloween costume before tommorow, someone might give you some static about it when you try to get into a party. But you can say, "get it.. do you get it... I am a mermaid ( or merman), kind of like Princess Ariel in how she used to be a mermaid, but Ursula cast a spell and gave her human legs." You will get into the party and gain a lot of respect for having such an authentic costume. The main thought is just be yourself and that will make it easier for you to get your drank on and spawn with other possible aquatic-looking soul-mates.

From,
Me

Sigh of Relief

I had 10 beautiful blond colored phones. And when someone called they would play gorgeous christian ringtones, like a nice southern hymm or something. Then I lost one of these phones, well it was stolen from me. I still had nine other phones, but I prefered having ten. On the outside, I acted strong, but I was losing hope with each passing day that my phone was going to be returned to me. I went to sleep and the phone appeared in my dreams. Whenever I saw other kids walking and talking with their phones, I thought they don't even realize how lucky they are. I hoped wherever it was it was safe and it still retained all its features. Especially the ones I haven't figured out yet like video messaging. Then after 6 months the phone escaped its captors and magically returned to me. The momement it showed up on my front steps was the happiest momement of my life. My phone collection was whole again.

If this hypothetical situation happened to me, I would know what Elizabeth Smart's parents felt like a few years ago. I would also be spending a lot of money per month on my mobile bill. What actually did happen to me was that I lost my silver phone that plays blueberry hill by fats domino whenever someone calls. I lost it yesterday and found it today. I am very happy right now, but I could not think of any analogy of parents who had a silver haired child abducted and then had him or her returned the next day. For that reason I embelished the story, sorry if you somehow empathized and I toyed with your emotions. Maybe we still are kindred spirits and we can find that connection through another post.

The Art of Story Telling

In 1999 rapper Slick Rick came out with an album titled 'The art of story telling". Today I listening to a balding middle age man talk for three hours about the indigenous plants of Georgia, how to fundraise to be able to pay for quality mulch, and why life is hard for the head of a non-profit group who wants to slowly maintain and improve a community park. This man is a unabridged encyclopedia of stories no one cares about. It is kind of like opening a page in the guiness book of world records and reading, the 49th tallest ethopian man in the world is 6 feet 11 inches. If I met that man I would no doubtedly be impressed by his stature, but I would pay him no complement for breaking the top fifty. One story about evasive plant species, literally took forty-five minutes. Yes, that is ridicolous. What culture celebrates this knowledge of the useless? How could he learn anything of the outside world if he spends his time crafting anecdotes about a crazy out-of-control plant that grows way to fast for its own good? Does he look at the newspaper and think who the fuck cares about the federal spending deficit, where is the proper fern care section? I hope the uninteresting man who the park was named after rises from the grave just to go on one of his tours and tell him he is wasting his life. I would also be pretty impressed if the trees got bored and walked to another more interesting park.

Guide to American Youth

First a quick survey

1)Are you more likely to elicit the scent of French Fries or a combination of saffron and basmati rice?
2)Can you (boys) pull off wearing white capris without looking like a vocal member of the gay lesbian and bisexual alliance?
3)Are you more likely to be able to recite your fantasy baseball team by heart or name capitals of at least three countries in Africa?
4)Do you (girls) wear sun glasses that make you seem that you were created by a scientist and instead of giving you a face he gave you a tortoise shell colored plastic blob, then he died before he could give you your real face. So you went to the town below and made friends with a character played by winnona ryder, but the rest of the townspeople didn't understand you, and chased you away, so you went back to live a life of solitude?
5)Are you more likely to have a tatoo of you high fiving your friends when an attractive member of the opposite sex passes by or a tatoo of a tribal band that has some actual signifigance?

If you you answered either answered yes to question 2 , not to question 4, or agreed with the second senario of questions 1, 3, or 5 than you are a foriegner. And you might not understand what it means to be an American. It is very hard to define what it means to be an American. America is a melting pot of different peoples and cultures formed from the greatest governmental experiment in human history.

I personally can't define what being American is, but if your not from here, I can give you pointers to fit in with youth culture.
- When you are driving with friends and traffic is bad, remind your friends that traffic sucks and the driver in front of you is probably old or asian. They will laugh even if you do not deliver the joke well.
- If someone says something about art or culture say dude that so gay. (Gay equals bad by the way). If they put together an intelligent argument to counterpoint repeat the word gay until they stop trying to express themselves.
-(for girls) If a popular song comes on the radio say this is my favorite song. You can say this as many times as you want for as many different songs as you want. And sing along to the song, but make sure you don't know all the words.
- If you know a movie supposed to be an independent film and you are with people you know, its okay to say 'o man this is so weird, I don't get it but i guess thats the point'. You only need to watch one independent movie during the course of your life, so you compare everything weird that ever happens during your lifetime to that one film.
- If anyone starts a story with back in the day, be prepared to laugh when everyone else laughs. For example, "Back in the day, uh, do you remember nickalodean cartoons like AH real Monsters." You should already be chortling at the silent 'e' in the word like.
-Keep up with facebook pulse and change your favorites accordingly to what is most popular at your school. And if any of the artists are African American, its probably just a phase people are going through. You can keep your profile all cacausian and when your friends stop liking the rapper of the month remind them that you were always racist and never liked the artist at all.
-lastly, if your walking somewhere, anywhere really, don't notice anything that is going on around you. You can even make it a game and completely stop, let someone run into you, the person who ran into you will say excuse me or I'm sorry. Remember that and you can use it to get yourself off before bedtime.

Epitaph

Most people are not creative and most people cannot adeptly chisel into stone. So most people pay people who can chisel to carve 8 digits and a dash into a tombstone. I personally cannot chisel, but I am creative and I will spend my remaining days, figuring out what to put on my tombstone to prove it.
The leading idea of the moment would be to commision a world famous chisler to carve an animated strip, of what my life will be like in the future, into my tombstone. So far I have 6 stills. The setting would be in ANWR (artic national wildlife refuge), Alaska, United States. The first scene would have me nunchucking white people, who are in the act of clubbing baby seals. The second would have me donkey-punching a walrus trying to eat a baby seal. Third would have me knifing penguins that I could regurgitate and feed back to the baby seals. Fourth would be the baby seals teaching me that sushi and shellfish is not as gross as I had previously thought. Fifth would have me and a pack of baby seals saving an inuit baby from the harsh artic terrain. Sixth would be me throwing ninja stars at an active volcano in denali national park (which will be the inevitable cause of my death). I am gonna get a part time job this semester, so hopefully by winterbreak I can pay for this work of art. I will finally be able to weigh the pros and cons of suicide without worring about the hideous rock that is supposed to represent who I am to future generation of cemetary tourists.

Premeditated

I watched him do it. I sat idly by while the events unfolded before my eyes. The philosophy teacher asked if anyone had any questions. That son of a bee shot his hand into the air. Words filled up in his cheeks and when his jaws opened they fell out. He said, I don't have any questions now, but can I contact you at any time if I have any problems. The teacher responded, what kind of problems would you need to contact me about. The kid smirked and declared, um I don't know, a philosophical crisis. No one laughed. That son of a bee. The teacher nodded his head up an down and went on with the lesson.
I know that kid woke up early, like at seven or something. I know he stood in front of a mirror and practiced saying this averge one liner over and over again. Ate a full breakfast so hunger would not distract him from the mission. He probably drank plenty of water to clear his throat. Maybe he ran around the track a couple times to be more in shape so breathing patterns would not get in the way.
I could have been a hero, but I just sat and watched. I could have stood on my desk. And said, "shut the fuck up". Leave Atlanta, go back whatever lame New Jersey enclave that spit you out. Go back and start an extensive state university system in New Jersey to keep your kind away from the normals.
Then the other students would reward me with loving adulation. The teacher would have said, you know what you brave student who I have not bothered to learn the name of, you're absolutely right. As a teacher I should control this kind of behavior less this creature reproduces and spawns generations that infect the class rooms with hackneyed premeditated one liners. Then the teacher would fail the kid and he would start crying profusely. Soon the Emory police would come to take the kid away.
The teacher would give me the A. I would make love to the orifice of my choice, with the most attractive-best-personalitied girl sitting next to me. They might have an expose about me in the wheel (my schools newspaper). Maybe I could even get to meet former presdient and current humanitarian Jimmy Carter.
But none of that will happen, because i did nothing. Now I know what it feels like to be in Germany 1939 and not say anything during krystalnacht. Shattered glass and a broken future. So readers, do not follow my silent tongue. Like Don Cheedle says on MTVU segments, change starts with students. Be a catalyst for change and put an end to day-ruiners who interupt class with humorless jokes.

Words as Weapons

-Knock Knock
-Whos there
- I hope your future wife eats tuna with a high mecury concentration and your future son or daughter develops autism.

Your mamma... is so poor that when she was pregnant with you she couldn't afford an abortion. She ruined a good coat hanger and you ended up just as smart as to respond to this by saying... uh uh fuck you.

-Knock Knock
-Whos there
-I hope you bio-degrade back into the earth the next time it rains.

Your momma... sweats so much that when she is cheating on your dad on your bed at home it looks like your matress is a water bed with a hole in it.

-Knock Knock
-Whos there
I hope your dog stays in your dorm room on Nov 1. I hope the night before your dog ate a lot of chocolate halloween candy, dies, and you wake up with a tiny corpse at the foot of your bed.