Political Science

I would not mind becoming a United States senator. If someone offered me the position I admittedly would accept it. I have at least two problems that keep me from this hypothetical situation. Second I am not old enough as dictated by the constitution. First I do not have enough money to win such a powerful office.

To remedy the second quandry I could:
-Buy a fake ID
-Borrow someones real ID and run under a different name
-Forward Time travel (very obvious solution that I almost didn't even write because its so damn obvious)
-Backward Time travel, take my trusty steed to Virginia, challenge James Madison to a drinking contest, defeat him, then corgially convince him to leave the senatorial age limit out of the constitution
- Grow a beard (though it might be easier for me to buy false facial hair and a strong adhesive)
- Ruthlessly attack my openents sexual orientation until my constituints forget my age and just remeber I was a hero for making a grown man cry
-Play the race card


To solve the first problem there is only one tasteful solution, titled 'The A through R Initiative':
A) Purchase Reese's Peanut Butter cups at Costco
B) Travel to Sudan for alterntive winter break
C) Distribute Reese's Peanut butter cups to children (only the cute ones)
D) Take iconic photograph of cute children showing how many ways there are to eat a Reese's
E)Win Time Magazine Photo of the Year Contest (As well as subsequent prize money)
F) Use prize money to purchase Reese's Fast Break Bars at Costco
G) Travel to Israel on an alternative spring break
H) Give both Israeli and Palestinian children Reese's Fast Break Bars (This time to both cute and ugly children)
I) Take more pictures
J) Use pictures to show that both peoples share a common ground and that we are all God's children or something lame like that
K) End conflict in the Middle East
L) Win Nobel Peace Prize for doing what so many white people have tried and failed before me
M) Impress current president Bush as he reads of my exploits and sees pictures of me in the Washintong Post kids section
N) President Bush invites me to to party at his ranch in Crawford, Texas.
O) I meet and impress a rich heiress because by this point I am an educated college man, philanthropist, nobel prize winner, artist (photographer), and the President of the United States sweats my balls.
P) Rich Heiress and I get married on the banks of the Potomac River in a small, but lovely ceremoney
Q) She provides the money I need to become senator of whichever of the 50 states I want ( I can even create a new state if I want, she will be that crazy fucking loaded.
R) I will become a senator and use that money to purchase all the Reese's Sticks I could ever want

Burrito Epiphany

Yesterday I ate a relatively large burrito even though I was not very hungry. I over ate, which is one of the worst feelings in the galaxy. Do you know what it feels like to over eat? Do you? You bitches and bichettes. No, no you don't. You could not imagine. If I dug up Edgar Allen Poe's corpse, reanimated it, and commitioned him to write a poem about my pain, he would only be able to capture 2/3s of my depressing story at best. I felt like taking my plastic utensils, going into the restroom, and slowly gliding the knife over my veins until I could be released from my culinary captivity.
The only good that came of the event was I had an Epiphany. I don't ever want to over eat again. No one should have to feel the effects of overeating and this pressing issue has not been properly adressed on mtv U news or any other young people news feeds. So decided If I can't find an internship this summer I will travel to parts of Africa and Southeast Asia. I want to tell these poor peoples of the dangers of over eating and warn them of the direct and indirect consequences.
They don't have big screen TVs and Verizon Business DSL. They can't just learn about these problems hanging around the water cooler on a monday morning. They need my help, or one day they will all be too full and lethargic to defend their village from a pack of the angriest fucking wilderbeasts you've ever seen. All the villagers gone; their time honored coustoms and traditions lost in the obscurity of time.

Fact

Fact: There are two traits that make people automatically weird

The second sign of being automatically weird; being an only child
Examplesof only children:

Chris Jericho) Professional wrestler and most recently a contestant on clebrity duets. (probably a predator)

Regis Philbin) Most filmed man on television and guest star on an episode of the syndicated cartoon lilo and stitch. (He's a fuking crazy and I shouldn't have say anything to convice you of that)

David Souter) Useless supreme court justice. (Single handidly responsible for both Huricane Katrina and the 1980's erruption of mount St. Helens in the Northwest United States.

Lisa Marie Presley) Famous Daughter of Elvis Presley and Black Belt in Karate (Married Danny Keough, Michael Jackson, Nicolaus Cage, and Michael Lockwood. Her first husband was the best man at her most recent wedding. Plus shes a scientologist. Both her mom and daughter are asthetically appealing though)

Weird Al Yankovic) Musician and star of the Cannes Jury Prize winning film UHF ( I respect that he admits there is a direct connection between being an only child and being weird)

First sign of being automatically weird; being from Ohio
Examples of native Ohio People:

Rutherford Hayes) Bad president
Benjamin Harrison) Bad President
William Henry Harrison) Bad President who chose to die after a month in office.
William McKinley) Average President
William H. Taft) Fat President. This cracker got stuck in a bathtub in the White House.
Warren Gamaliel Harding) Very bad President
James Abram Garfield) President who got his ass (really his arm and back) shot by Charles Julius Guiteau
William Jennings Bryan) Presidential Candidate, proponet of free silver at the value of 1/16th of gold, prosecuter at the scopes monkey trail. He lost the case, lost the presidential election, and we don't use silver today so he fucking lost that debate as well.
Marin Alexander) My friend from Cleveland. Shes a weird-o, trust me.

If anyone wants to quote me in their college thesisis , you have my permission. I don't write these life affirming entries because i am bored, I write them to open eyes and change lives.

Babies and you

Ok, now no matter what race or ethnicity you are when you see a cute baby you will most likely turn to the closest person to you and say something like, "Thats the most precious fucking thang I've eva seen". But you don't have to think that way. When I see an infant, at a location such as the mall, I think I could snatch the todler out of his or her stroller and dash around the corner while screaming something such as, " you'll never see your child again". I would then return the child and convince the parent they were on a new spike tv hidden camera show. This is a good course of action because it provides an impressive story to tell friends and coworkers. The only downside would be if anyone said, "have you ever had your child abducted or aducted someone elses child" while playing the popular drinking game 'never have I ever' both the parent and I would be obligated to drink.

First Post

I had the choice of three things to do after I woke up today. First was to go to the local library, research anorexia, and start purchasing slimmer pants. Second was to volunteer at a senior citizen comunity and absorb the timeless wisdom of another generation before they gracefully pass on with no regrets about how they chose to live their lives. Third was to start a web blog titled P is for Pulp. I choose the third option.