Dear Bloods

Dear Bloods,

You are a gang that is often referenced in popular culture. I heard to get initiated you have to kill a another person. O, by the way, I am not trying to join your club...I have too many collegiate activities and community service projects to keep me busy. I am writing to suggest that instead of killing another human, new pledges have to watch a couple epidodes of merekat manor on animal planet. Because merekats live in gangs too and they can parallell the life lessons you try to instill in your future brothers. You can learn how to mark your territory, dig a home, kill a scorpion, the correct way to court a female without a member of another gang chasing you away really fast, how to take care of young bloods, and where to go when it starts raining. Plus, merkats are so fucking cute omg. So next friday from 8-9pm put away your clipse and magazines, instead pop kettle corn and hopefully the world of merekats will change gangs 4eva.

sincerely,
me

You Have To Be Pro Something

What are you passionate about. Abortion. You said abortion, didn't you. You probably yelled it at your computer screen. You might of just bought bumper stickers online that will convince other drivers to feel the way you feel on the topic. Yes, well a lot of people get heated when talking about abortion. Probably cause its slightly gross, people don't like things that are slightly gross. I personally don't like thinking about abortion for the same reason I don't eat sea food. The contents are slimy and the eyes always follow you at the dinner table. Lots and lots of people protest on the topic on abortion. Many people are pro-life or pro-choice. I would like to offer an alternative. My idea is for a small minority of people to be pro-abortion The idea is that all children will now be created scientifically and all accidental natural births, will be destroyed with speed and force. The pluses of this strategy are it would boost the economy by creating new jobs, babies would be less likely to get polio, there is some passage in the book of latter day saints that loosely refers to this, and bitches won't get fat looking. So if you were planning to go to a pro-life v pro-choice rally, but were bored of bitching one side or the other... Draw a sign of a fetus holding a hand gun and start yelling whatever you want. For once in your life just get out there and be somebody.

inner city movie idea #1

The story takes place in an inner city somewhere in the United States or South Western Canada. Most people who live there are minorities of whom society has shunned. They be dangerous and just don't give a damn. The real minority in this city of cess is a poor little white girl who can't roll-bounce and can't keep up with the vernacular that her fellow peers use. She always gets picked on and her parents might or might not have a life threatning illness (I'm decided between ovarian cancer or alcoholism). One cold summer night she wishes upon the moons of jupiter that her life will get better.
The next day she finds a pair of pants. Well, magic pants. And her life changes forever. She learns how to rollerskate, and grind, and she even wins ghetto homecoming queen. She brings the deabate team its first state (or province) championship after arguing cotton vs. polyester. And she gets a poem published about thread count in the school literary mag. Then the pants tutor her in calculus and biology and she becomes top of her class at Reverend Ghetto Highschool School.
Ever since she was born she has wanted to get out of the ghetto and the pants gave her a chance. She gets into University of Texas Austin and studies sociology. She wears the pants every day of her life and things go great. When she makes her first million she decideds to visit the inner city she grew up in. She found out all of her peers did not make it out of the favelas, but neither her nor her pants care. She decided to donate 3 park benches to the school for good publicity and go back to her rich millionaire life style. The tag line will be either "cheer up sleepy jeans" or "things work out for white girls". I'm not sure what it will be rated because i wrote in a pretty long (and artistic) gang rape scene before the white girl protagonists finds the pants... whatever good art will prevail.

Body Massage

If you have to Vomit...
Wait till your in a group of friends and one of the lesser friends tells a bad joke or a pun. You then stare at them. Hold up your index finger like you're about to say something. Put your finger in your throat, invoke gagging, and throw-up on the person who told the bad joke. After throwing up, apologize profusely. You have to say something like 'O my goodness, that joke was so funny, that was so funny it filled my belly with laughter. There was no more room for food and stomach acid and junk. I had to throw-up or i probably would have exploded. Your well crafted wit would have been weapons of murder'. The prince(cess) of jokes will tell everyone he or she is so funny they made someone throw-up. You can tell your other friends you made Allah proud.

If you have to Bleed...
Do it in a resturant at the dinner table. Someone will eventually fold their napkin like oragami and show everyone what a kick ass swan they think they made. They might even tell a story about swans or segway into what they thought about some 60 minutes special on the wetlands. After they wasted your time say, ' Everyone put your attention on me now, I have a napkin trick'. Take your steak knife and cut in a swift movement between 2 and 3 inches above the wrist. (not deep enough for stitches, but enough to tap into that scarlet gold). Reach your face to your laceration and apply blood till your lips are saturated. Kiss the napkin firmly to get a good lip print. Stand up, toss your napkin at the orginal napkin sculptor, bow your head, and excuse yourself to the restroom.

If you have to Sneeze...
Make intense eye contact till someone blesses you. If someone else sneezes make eye contact with them. Tell them never to do that in public again. Look down shake your head, say something like 'thats disgusting'. If the sneezer is a friend also say that you need time to work this out and that you'll call them when your ready. If the sneezer is a stranger then, say your sorry, that you and your best friend are going through a platonic divorce, and give them hug. Start tearing or at least start breathing like a tearer. Under no circumstnace can you let go of the hug, let the soulless sneezer figure out what to do.

If you have to go #1ing...
Don't make number ones. Making pee is obselete. Just do dialysis. Its only once or twice a day and you don't have to go through the akwardness of being at the airport and seeing a grown man applying talc completely naked in front of a urinal.

Puppies and you

Puppies are cute. Most of the time when people see puppies they say 'that is the most adorable puppy I have ever seen'. On average, people say 'that is the most adorable puppy I have every seen' 25 hundred times over their life span. Its not like each puppy you see gets progressively cuter until you're on your death bed and God comes down to expose the finest lilest daushuand the world has ever known. Its okay though, I understand. Its completely natural to see a cute puppy, want to hold it, make akward baby sounds at it, and imagine how awesome it would look in a little ninja outfit. But not all puppies are lovable combinations of fur and bones and gentic mateiral. Some puppies are hideous rodents. You don't want to lie to the owner and use one of your 25 hundred generic adorbale puppy statements on a dog obviously formed by incestous union. No one should have to lie about this and no one wants to hurt the feelings of an owner of an unadorable beast. This leaves the choices of Eugenics and Euthanasia. Elections are in Novemeber and this is a hot topic in the Maryland govenor's race. Incumbent Robert Ehrlich espouses eugenics while Martin O' Mally is a huge proponent of Euthanasia. If Ehrlich gets elected he promises money to scientifically create superior golden fur blue-eyed dogs (sort of like an adult build-a-bear work shop). O' Mally believes that Ehrlich's plan is too expensive and would rather spend the money on green (environmentally friendly) schools. Instead O'mally would rather make ugly puppies get dead. He mentioned at a rally in Fredrick that ugly puppies would serve our state better if their lifeless bodies decompose to form helpful nutrients to improve Maryland's signiture wheat crop. O man. I am so excited. This is going to be my first time voting and I really hope I choose the right one.

Everything Girls

If I ask you (females) what kind of music or movies you're into and your answer is everything I hope you get HPV. Don't give the answer of everything. There is no way I or any other worth while male is going to say, " O my goodness, I like everything too, we are connecting sooo much, we are soul mates, lets get old timey wild western photos and remeber this, the time we both found the other half of our kindred spirit, forever. Plus its not like you have painstakingly explored all genres of art and decided 'its all aight'. You don't go to museums friday night and get cultured. You end up at a frat, drink 1 and half milwaukee's bests, pick up a guy, wake-up alone, and drink a cup coffee to wash down the after-taste of a morning after pill. Just spend some time on the internet, pick a favorite type of music or movies or whatever. Your opinon in the arts might be wrong or stupid, buts thats okay. At least you'll finally have a place to belong, instead of nomadically roaming through a sea of average.

Plato's Meno

The teacher talked about Plato's book 'Meno' in Philisophy class.
I drew hearts in my notebook. I drew hearts of all shapes and sizes. Some broken, some whole. Some were shaped like food. One was shapped like a clock with the hands at 10:10. One was put in a cloud. Thats so crazy. That a cloud would form out of water vapor and dirt and stuff, but inside of the cloud remained sky that was shaped like a heart. Another one tried to looked like a real heart with veins and chambers and blood platelets. I drew an eye with a heart as a pupil. I drew a bird thats wings formed into a heart. My page was filled with hearts. Probably over 33 hearts, but most likely less than 53 hearts. At the bottom of the page, I wrote 'My collection of triangles that have been indented by a wedge". The girl to the left of me saw my notebook page progressively overflow with creative heart drawings. I noticed her glance. So I would stare past her, because there was a window behind her. Then she would look at me, thinking I was looking at her, but I stared straight through her at a tree that looked like it was having fun just standing outside. I probably won't ever talk to her, unless I get handicapped and drop my pen to my left side in class...then I would ask her nicely if she could pick it up for me. Next class I might draw surly looking lesbians fixing up a 94' subaru outback. Even if we never talk, maybe I will keep me and her entertained throughout the semester

Sea of White People

Tonight I saw Cat Power with my new friend Frances. Frances is cool and Cat power was real good. One of the interesting things about indie rock concerts are the sea of white people that white-people-dance to songs that only require a head nod or a foot tap. I picked one of these people and decided to judge him based on characteristics I completely made-up. For the sake of this post the guys name is Gregagary

First off, this guy was wearing a community service shirt. He was probably thinking about that one day out of 365 that he gave a negro a pencil and some yikes erasers. He probably thought that he was a saint and without him that mud baby would never be able to survive. Gregagary is a stupid closet racist.

He wore jean shorts with cargo pockets. Gross! He probably knifed a welfare mother (who prays to the Virgin Mary outside of J.C Penny for a plentiful bounty) just to get those shorts before she could. Guess what? Hers kids aren't gonna have pants, will be expelled from school, and your pencils and yikes erasers will be worthless.

The man wore tevas. Bah! Who does he think he is an olympic sea kayaker. Does he think he is Oliver Fix (gold medalist at the K-1 single man kayak slalom at the 1996 Atlanta Summer Olympics). Well, hes not. He is way to fucking corpulent to navigate any non-motor powered water vehicle.

Then he got his wife a beer. Which was nice, but I know he was thinking about his 12 year old Malaysian sex slave when he was doing it. He was thinking maybe tommorow he'll be real nice to her. He thought, I'll give her a fig newton and a tab and tell her that she'll be able to see her parents real soon. Then bam. When night comes, he'll start beating the shit out of her. He'll say not only are you never going to see your family again, but I'm not gonna let yours eyes set sight on the sun ever again. He is so mean to her.

I hate Gregagary. I hate him so much!

Blue Light

First 'blue light' has nothing to do with the post it just happens to be the song I'm listening to now by Mazzy Star.

The post is really about things that would probably depress my five year old cousin named Alec, which include:

-A zoo filled with animals that are still left swining from tiny nooses
-Dogs that sweat blood and have hemophilia
-Finding out that Danon discontinued making gogurt (Yogurt for the on-the-go kindergardener)
-Being dared to hug a cactus
-Paper cuts obtained while learning about fractions
-Being maced by his dead great grandpa (My grandpa)
-The movie 'I am Sam'
-Giving his first crush chicken pox
- Being an animorph, but staying in your animal form too long so you
can never again return to the human form you once were.
-A nascar race interupting Blues Clues
-Claiming not to be a racist, but being very intimidated by the janatorial
staff at his school
-Actually hugging the cactus
-Girls that are real polite to you, but don't want to be friends even though you think they're pretty cool and can't understand why they don't think the same way. Though I saw her recently, she got a little chunky over the summer, which made me smile
- Losing a spelling bee to his nemisis and carpool mate.
-Learning that he was adopted from reading this (that is totally untrue he is not adopted, thought it would be depressing if on his sixth birday his parents told him he was being adopted by another family who made an offer that was too good to pass up)

Mr. Me Too

I just wanted to remind everyone that I do exist and will write for this blog as well.

-Matt

God's Favorite Color

What color somewhere inside of a rainbow is worth me blasphemizing for the title of this post? What color if put into a math equation would equal an erection? What color if entered into the 2008 Beijing olympics would create a new event and do so spectacular that it would get all three metals and ace the drug test? What is the color of a child's laughter if you disected his or her brain to find the cluster of nerves that make gigglies happen? What color has enough street cred to leave its money on a table in South East D.C. and not have it stolen by an angry social club (gang); and also enough old white people cred to walk down to capitol hill the next day and have a late lunch with a senator at Kincaids. What color could oil be to make people smile while they watch puffins and seals writhe and suffocate after a major eco-disaster? What color did George Washington fantasize about when he was inserting himself into Martha Washington? What color could use its awesome power to make poor people smell less bad? What color did Eva Braun not wear on her wedding day or the following day when she took a cyanide pill and then was cremated? The answer to all these rhetoical questions is turquoise. The Natioal Association on Mental Illness (Nami) claims that if every girl wore turquoise for at least one day a year there would be at least a 45% decrease in teen suicide. It is an undisputable baseless declaration that God most definately loves turquoise.

Stop Doing That

Dinosaurs are dead. Everyone knows that. They choose not to survive so they all got dead and fell into the Panthalassa (The ocean surrondingt Pangaea) or over-dosed while Robbotripping (Drinking excesive amounts of Robbotussin). Well, no one really knows how they died, but scientists can agree that Dinosaurs hated life. Dinosaurs hated life, asmatic children, and recyling. Todays equivlent of a dinosaur is a akward emo kid that has a live journal name like 'placenta-rain-liquid-rape-cat' or 'hate-powered-robo-tears' In fact, the only things that Dinosaurs have contributed to Modern Society is the above ground pool, which is amoung the top 14 reasons that lead to terrorists doing mean things to Amercians.
Yet our school system seem to skip over this important historical data. Kindergarden teachers show Dinosaurs in a good light and tell their students that they can imagine that Dinosaurs are any color that they want them to be. So bright-eyed big-eyebrowed kids draw a Brontosaurus being purple with pastel pink spots or a T-Rex being neon turquoise with silver lightning bolts over the calf muscles. Children should not be allowed to portray Dinosaurs as super cool animals with lightning bolts or racing stripes. Because they were not cool animals.
If you're a parent and your reading this your child might come home with the outline of a Pterodactyl that he or she was assigned to color in. You tell your child to only use the crayola color diarreah brown for the body. And if they want to be creative they can draw on a headlamp so the dinosaur can have an easier time finding its path into the depths of the asphodel fields in the Mesozoic underworld.

Car Point System Game

I learned about this game today from my friend Sarah and I thought it was a good idea so I am going to write about it like it was my idea. The game is point ranking system for hit and runs, provided there is enough light out to see the person you hit. The game ranks different catagoreys of people on a 2-14 scale as well the reason for the ranking


2)Morbidly obese people (They are very easy targets being both slow and large, but serious vehicle damage is a risk)
3) Women who use clothes to bitch about politcal problems.( When you see a t-shirt with a corpse of a chinese fetus that had its organs harvested in the banks of the Meijiang River ...drive straight for her cold ungrossed-out heart)
4) Albinos wearing light color clothing (Stop making people uncomfortable for having skin pigmintation)
7) Unclean people that dance on the street without music (Fuck the enviorment, fuck people who would rather write a hiaku about gaint squids then help actual people. Plus Giant Squids are super icky and if you ever met a live squid it would take you underwater and make you its sea weed bride )
8) Asian tourists under 5' 6" (For some reason asian tourists under 5' 6" gather their family together in crowded uniteresting areas, back up 50 feet, and take 3-6 minutes trying to take a blurry picture of their children in front of a bus station. I don't understand why it happens, but I would prefer that it stopped)
9)People over 6' 5" (people over 6' 5" are probably gangster disciples with something to prove. So if you don't hit them first they will try to kill you just to be initiated into their angry social club.)
11)Hispanic single mothers with four or more children (Though a very easy target, each time you hit them a made for TV lifetime movie is created)
13)Old people with disfiguring burn marks that they don't attempt to conceal. (The one bit of good news is that if you kill them the CSIs won't invesitgate because they don't want to look at naked old people with burn marks. The bodies will end up in a mass grave in a undisclosed location in Southern New Jersey)
14)Children in wheelchairs wearing a birthday hat (If you hit one of these, bravo. These people are not only rare, but should make you feel very guilty for ruining their birthday and their lives. But if you want a top score than get bold and rev your engine)

Brand New Industries

Wouldn't it be quite akward if the human hand could get pregnant. Guys could get their own hands pregnant. They would have to where gloves everytime they bated it. How embarrsing. Getting yourslef pregnant I mean... Its like getting mono, and having to tell people it was not from making out with some hottie, but sharing your best friends soda.
Well if there was some sort of evolutionary mutation that allowed the male hand to reproduce I would quickly capitalize to make as much money as possible. New Industries I would create would include:
Hand offspring abortions (This would be the same process as getting a wax model of your hand at disney world or the board walk.)
Hand Jazzercise class (cross breed between Siberian thumb wreslting and Brazilian finger pointing)
Hand condoms (latex gloves that come with recycled bazooka joe cartoons)
Hand rape whistles ( It would be more of a snap then a whistle)
Hand Mumus (because nine months is too long to have a fat cow-like hand)